February 23, 2007

Let’s Get Dirty

Posted in Karate Kid, Life, Love, Rants at 12:04 am by Faith

Many good blogs have begun with the fun pastime of ex-boyfriend bashing. Why should mine be any different? So… I have this ex-boyfriend (who we’ll call Karate Kid) Karate Kid and I dated for quite a while. Frankly, it was the longest relationship I have had in my life. I’m not even thirty yet, though, so that’s not really saying much.

But I digress. In my relationship with Karate Kid, I found that he had a LOT of baggage to tolerate: Psycho ex-fiancee, spoiled rotten child, trust and intimacy issues, the list could go on and on.. and on. And on. Anyway, patience ran thin, and Karate Kid decided to end things. Yeah, I know. I was the stupid one holding on to the threads of the relationship, hoping that I could use those tiny little threads to mend the big gaping hole that had devoured our relationship. (Give me some credit, here, guys, there WERE reasons that I was holding on so tight. Reasons that I’m not going into just yet. Maybe later, when they don’t sting as much.)

The breakup was supposed to be amicable. Like most of the other breakups I have had, however, it turned nasty FAST. I heard a barrage of complaints; I was selfish, manipulative, demanding, impossible to please. I was childish. I threw fits everytime things didn’t go my way. I didn’t know how to compromise. Or communicate. Or listen. I demanded he place me before his child. I never understood that he was a father first. Everything had to be a debate. The list could go on and on… and on. And on.

The worst part about all of this? I BELIEVED HIM. I was so entangled in the situation that I couldn’t see what I have been trained to spot: the facts. I was so wrapped up in guilt and grief that even my closest friends and family couldn’t point it out for me, even though it was right there in front of me. I’ve tried to take the moral high road with Karate Kid, for the sake of his child and because I like to believe that I am a decent person. I am TIRED of always taking the moral high ground. So, Karate Kid, I have a few things to say to you:

Selfish? Manipulative? Demanding? Is this WHY I picked your child up from school almost every day, took them to their Karate class, took them home, fed them dinner, bathed them, and put them to bed? FOUR nights a week? When the child wasn’t even MY child to begin with? While YOU were at your Karate class? You didn’t even get home before 9pm almost every night that we lived together. I spent more time with your child than YOU and the child’s mother COMBINED. That’s right, ME. But I’m selfish and demanding.

WHY am I so demanding? Because I asked you to come home at a reasonable hour to read with your child and to tuck them in good night? Am I demanding because I wanted to spend some time with my boyfriend, who would rather spend his time drinking beer with his Karate buddies? I’m manipulative because I cried over this a lot? You’re god-damned right I cried. I cried because I felt USED. I cried because I loved you and I wanted the relationship to work and no matter how hard I tried, you still found fault with me. I cried because I felt trapped, because I wanted to have a life like yours so bad. I wanted to go work out five nights a week, I wanted to spend time with my friends, I wanted EVERYTHING you had. Don’t you try to tell me how much you sacrifice in order ot be a “good father.” You are the WORST parent I have ever seen. YOU MAKE BRITNEY SPEARS LOOK LIKE MOTHER OF THE FUCKING YEAR. Your child is going to have so many issues that you’re going to make one lucky psychologist a LOT of money someday.

I’m selfish? This is why I bent over backwards to accommodate your schedule, why I loaned you money when you needed it… why I CARRIED YOUR SORRY ASS. Right. Because I’m selfish. Read those words again, Macho Man with your hotshot colored belt in Karate. I CARRIED YOU. I paid over half of the rent almost the entire time we were together. What’s wrong with this picture? What in the HELL are you spending your money on that you can’t even afford to pay the fucking rent? YOU made more money than I did… so why was I the one making all the sacrifices to ensure that we had a roof over our heads? Right. Because I was selfish and manipulative.

You are no catch, Karate Kid. You are far from it. I deserve so much more than you could ever be. You have big dreams of making something out of your life, but you always find a way to bitch about how your plans were sabotaged by someone… how your life got flushed down the toilet when you had a child. GROW UP. You call ME the victim, but who’s the one who has gone through the break-up and the time after it without getting drunk or stoned? Can you say the same, Karate Kid? Given that you were drunk the last two weeks of our relationship, I’m willing to bet my right leg that you can’t. YOU ARE WEAK. You are pathetic. And you are not worthy of someone like me.

I’m not saying that I’m this fantastic catch. Far from it. I have flaws. I have issues. I have annoying quirks. No one knows that better than me. But I also know that I have enough faith in myself to believe that I can find someone who will accept me for who I am and not try to change me into the puppet that they want. I have faith to believe that I will find someone who won’t try to break up with me everytime we have a disagreement. I have faith to believe that there is something better out there.

I DO deserve someone better than you, Karate Kid. Fuck you for making me think that it was okay to settle. It’s time for a clean slate. I have faith that things will get better; because without you in my life, things ARE getting better. Now I just need to rediscover the ambition I had before we were together in order to make it happen completely.

I’m Faith. Welcome aboard.

Advertisements