March 7, 2007

The Four Types of People That Need to DIE…

Posted in Karate Kid, Life, Random, Rants at 11:26 am by Faith

No, I haven’t read the book The Five Types of People You Meet in Heaven. I hear it’s good, but I’m not sure if it’s my thing. The type of book that I think you NEED to see on the shelves, however, is a book called The Four Types of People That Need to DIE.

For the most part, I’m a pretty gentle gal. I don’t really wish death on many people.. and mean it. There are a few, however, that manage to land on my radar:

1. The Constant VictimKarate Kid falls into this category. I don’t really wish him any PHYSICAL harm, but the man need to die. We haven’t talked in weeks, but when I think of the way the he used to berate me about always “playing the victim” and then follow it up with a “poor me” diatribe, I want to just PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. Preferably with a tire iron. Right. I’M always the victim here, yet I’m also the one who put myself through college and grad school on my own, with only the help of loans and the occasional pity money from Mom & Dad. I’m two months shy of graduating from professional school… what is he doing? Selling pool tables. But that’s not his fault… rrriiigght. Maybe if you’d lay off the bong and get some ambition back, you could get your OWN degree, instead of simply staring longingly at mine. But I’m the victim.

2. The “Frien-emy”— Carrie goes into the politics of a “frien-emy” to quite some detail on Sex and the City. It’s basically the “friend” who keeps her knife hidden, but will firmly plant it in you the second your back is turned. I haven’t had any of these in years, thankfully, but I remember my main “frien-emy.” Her name was Jamie. She was a bee-yotch. She put on this facade of being my best friend, and then would try to steal my boyfriends behind my back. It worked a few times and I was stupid enough to think that it was totally innocent. Then I dated a boy I’ll call Perfect 10, because I have YET to find a guy that measures up to him. For some reason, Jamie HATED Perfect 10 with the fire of a thousand suns. My friends all pressured me to break up with Perfect 10… and it was high school, so I was stupid and did it. It was only LAST WEEK that I realized the reason Jamie hated Perfect 10; she had come on to him and he shot her down. I don’t know what’s worse: The fact that I dumped the only perfect 10 I have ever known, or the fact that it took me over 10 years to figure out what in the hell actually happened. In any case, I don’t know where Jamie is today, but I hope she’s in a lot of pain. Bee-yotch. (And no, I don’t wish any harm on Perfect 10. He didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the dumbass who dumped him. I’m sure he’s happily married somewhere, to some lucky girl. DAMMIT!)

3. People Who Cut You Off In Traffic, Only to Make a Right Turn 20 Seconds Later— This is self-explanatory. I’m not advocating traffic accidents here, but it would be fun to do a NASCAR-style bump into the back of their cars… just to remind them that you witnessed their act of stupidity.

4. Slow Baristas at Starbucks— I understand there’s a line. I understand that you’re busy. But did you REALLY have to take that extra minute to STOP WORKING and start TEXT MESSAGING YOUR BOYFRIEND?!?! When you’ve got a line of people almost out the door? Really? It’s not like we had to get to work or school or anything. That scathing look my professor shot me when I walked into class 5 minutes late was totally worth your little “LOL!” to your boyfriend.

Feel free to add your own to the list…


1 Comment »

  1. battybeyond said,

    ooh ooh. And those people who drive with their lights off in the driving rain. Those people too.

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