July 19, 2007

Hate Mail

Posted in Guilty Pleasures, Must See TV, Rants at 8:34 am by Faith

In order to decompress from some of my pending Bar-Exam stress, I’ve been streaming old episodes of Celebrity Fit Club 5. I just got done watching the season finale during a break today. All I can really say about it is this (and I’m fully aware I’m something like 2 months late with this observation)…

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Screech, (oh, I’m sorry… DUSTIN DIAMOND) you are the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG I have ever seen in all my years. And I’ve met my fair share of douchebags. You constantly amaze me at the lengths you’ll go to in order to extend your 15 minutes of fame. From your “leaked” sex tape (yeah, we ALL know that YOU leaked it… the only one proud of that nasty schlong is you…) to your “Save My House From Foreclosure” campaign (which in itself was majorly tacky, especially considering that my sources tell me you weren’t even CLOSE to losing your house and the whole thing was just a publicity stunt), to your proclamations that you were “THE STAR” of Celebrity Fit Club 5… I’ve never seen such a publicity whore SO DESPERATE for attention.

There’s a reason that you were the only cast member to be in ALL of the Saved by the Bell spin-offs: It’s because you’re annoying, a sub-par actor, and frankly, no one wants to see your ugly mug anymore.

I didn’t even start watching CFC because of you. I watched because it thought it would be fun to see Marcia from The Brady Bunch… and because my brother listens to quite a bit of Cledus T. Judd‘s work… and because even though I was a die-hard Claymate, I also rooted for Kimberely Locke on American Idol 2. And who in the hell can forget Tiffany, Da Brat, and Warren G… all musicians who had pretty big hits during my “generation.” Who the hell were YOU? Some lame ass loser from an annoying Saturday morning television show. Yep, you were the star, all right. (In all fairness, I had NO clue who Ross Matthews was. But he came across better than you did on camera.) You said more annoying things and showed such poor judgment that I was left speechless on more than one occasion. If you dropped dead tomorrow, I would not shed a tear. Please kindly piss off.

Hugs and kisses,

Faith

P.S. I also find it incredibly amusing that you have been the only celebrity on record to lose a domain name dispute to a PARODY site. That, in itself, says everything that needs to be said. The parody site, by the way, ROCKS.

July 10, 2007

No Whammies, No Whammies….

Posted in Bar Exam, Life, Random, Rants, Work at 4:42 pm by Faith

You know, I was thinking about this the other day. And I got kinda fired up. The point of having an anonymous blog is to be able to share things ANONYMOUSLY. You’d think this would mean that I would be more honest about my life. Yet, I find that I censor quite a bit of detail about myself. I’m gonna clear up some of that right now.

In my last post, I apologized for the lack of posting. I haven’t just been busy. I’m not simply a “recent graduate school graduate.” As some of you already know, I’m a recent law school grad. *gasp* Shocking, I know. I’m not JUST going through “life changes…” I’m studying for the flippin’ Bar Exam!

Frankly, it’s been kicking my ass. I’m scared, and I need a place to vent. Normally, I would have turned to my online “journal,” so to speak… but I couldn’t say anything without revealing that little detail of myself, so I’ve been omitting it since this blog’s inception. But it’s out now. I feel… not that much better, but now at least I can freak out about taking online tests, only to find that I’ve been failing miserably… and that I secretly want to slash my cocky classmate’s tires because they’ve been talking so much smack about “acing” this exam when all I’m worried about is making sure I get a 60.0% overall. That’s right. A 60% is a passing score…. and I’m not shooting for much higher than that.

My head is a jumble of Constitutional Law, Torts, Property, Criminal Law, and all the other fun subjects my State requires. I have no clue how to organize it all and I’m afraid that when I’m sitting to take the test, I’m going to spaz out and forget everything. Anyone out there have any tips for a freaked out gal like myself?

So there you have it. Faith = really a recent law graduate. I’m not telling you where I live. Sorry. LisaB only just told us she was from Texas… and THAT took her two years, so don’t press your luck, please. You’ll end up fishing for whammys.

Oh, my GAWD, I miss that show! That is so going to be my Bar-cramming motto….

“Big bucks, big bucks, no whammies, no whammies….”

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June 12, 2007

“Word, Cotton!”

Posted in Guilty Pleasures, Must See TV, Obsessions, Rants at 8:15 am by Faith

I’m not a big fan of this strip, but I thought that FOR ONCE, the artist and I were on the same page:

The rumor has it that the fan campaigns have not worked. The show is “dead,” in the words of it’s creator.

Screw you, The CW.

May 30, 2007

Tales From the FF 2004: When Life Imitates Art…

Posted in FF 2004, Friends, Fun with Entourage, Hip-Hop Mama, Must See TV, Rants at 8:23 am by Faith

I’ve been pretty forthcoming about the fact that I’m a big Entourage fan. I’ve been surprised at how quickly dialogue from the show has made it’s way into my daily vocab, however. Most of the lines I’ve seemed to have adopted have come from my favorite character, one Mr. Johnny Drama. However, you have to admit that it’s always a bit interesting when life imitates art.

Case in point: I was driving with Hip Hop Mama down in “the Valley” the other day. As we were cruising down the road, I noticed someone tailgating me, despite the fact that I was driving well above the speed limit:

Faith: Is it really necessary for this guy to drive UP my ass?
Hip-Hop Mama: (laughing)
Faith: (watching the guy in the rear view, getting more and more agitated) Seriously! This is effin’ ridiculous!
Hip-Hop Mama: (still laughing)
Faith: (had enough– yanks her car over to the side of the road and lets tailgating vehicle pass before charging back on the road and tailgating the vehicle that just passed her.)
Hip-Hop Mama: Okay, Faith. Do we really want to be picking a fight with Deliverance here?
Faith: (agitated) Was it really necessary for them to be driving UP MY ASS?
Hip-Hop Mama: Okay, settle down, Drama!
Faith: (starting to chuckle) Hold me back, Turtle. (car in front of her slams on his brakes, causing Faith to slam on the brakes in the FF 2004– Faith and Hip-Hop Mama lurch forward) ….FUCKING VALLEY, MAN!
Hip-Hop Mama: (fresh round of laughter…. after a moment, Faith joins in.)

…I can’t make this stuff up.

May 18, 2007

….and Another One For My Homie…

Posted in Guilty Pleasures, Must See TV, Rants at 8:46 am by Faith

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Another one bites the dust.

We here at Faith’s Ambition would like to take a moment to mourn the loss of yet another great television show that’s being pulled before it’s time. Yesterday, The CW announced that it was canceling Veronica Mars.

Veronica Mars is off the air, yet crap like One Tree Hill is renewed for another yet another season of crap? *shaking head* I guess it really IS true what they say. Americans are idiots.

April 19, 2007

Ew!

Posted in Embarrasing!, Random, Rants at 3:41 pm by Faith

To the person who got to my site by entering “how to make my fiance get dirty in bed,”…. ask them. Don’t look on a freaking website. That’s just strange. And silly. And kinda scary.

I feel for your fiance.

March 7, 2007

The Four Types of People That Need to DIE…

Posted in Karate Kid, Life, Random, Rants at 11:26 am by Faith

No, I haven’t read the book The Five Types of People You Meet in Heaven. I hear it’s good, but I’m not sure if it’s my thing. The type of book that I think you NEED to see on the shelves, however, is a book called The Four Types of People That Need to DIE.

For the most part, I’m a pretty gentle gal. I don’t really wish death on many people.. and mean it. There are a few, however, that manage to land on my radar:

1. The Constant VictimKarate Kid falls into this category. I don’t really wish him any PHYSICAL harm, but the man need to die. We haven’t talked in weeks, but when I think of the way the he used to berate me about always “playing the victim” and then follow it up with a “poor me” diatribe, I want to just PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE. Preferably with a tire iron. Right. I’M always the victim here, yet I’m also the one who put myself through college and grad school on my own, with only the help of loans and the occasional pity money from Mom & Dad. I’m two months shy of graduating from professional school… what is he doing? Selling pool tables. But that’s not his fault… rrriiigght. Maybe if you’d lay off the bong and get some ambition back, you could get your OWN degree, instead of simply staring longingly at mine. But I’m the victim.

2. The “Frien-emy”— Carrie goes into the politics of a “frien-emy” to quite some detail on Sex and the City. It’s basically the “friend” who keeps her knife hidden, but will firmly plant it in you the second your back is turned. I haven’t had any of these in years, thankfully, but I remember my main “frien-emy.” Her name was Jamie. She was a bee-yotch. She put on this facade of being my best friend, and then would try to steal my boyfriends behind my back. It worked a few times and I was stupid enough to think that it was totally innocent. Then I dated a boy I’ll call Perfect 10, because I have YET to find a guy that measures up to him. For some reason, Jamie HATED Perfect 10 with the fire of a thousand suns. My friends all pressured me to break up with Perfect 10… and it was high school, so I was stupid and did it. It was only LAST WEEK that I realized the reason Jamie hated Perfect 10; she had come on to him and he shot her down. I don’t know what’s worse: The fact that I dumped the only perfect 10 I have ever known, or the fact that it took me over 10 years to figure out what in the hell actually happened. In any case, I don’t know where Jamie is today, but I hope she’s in a lot of pain. Bee-yotch. (And no, I don’t wish any harm on Perfect 10. He didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the dumbass who dumped him. I’m sure he’s happily married somewhere, to some lucky girl. DAMMIT!)

3. People Who Cut You Off In Traffic, Only to Make a Right Turn 20 Seconds Later— This is self-explanatory. I’m not advocating traffic accidents here, but it would be fun to do a NASCAR-style bump into the back of their cars… just to remind them that you witnessed their act of stupidity.

4. Slow Baristas at Starbucks— I understand there’s a line. I understand that you’re busy. But did you REALLY have to take that extra minute to STOP WORKING and start TEXT MESSAGING YOUR BOYFRIEND?!?! When you’ve got a line of people almost out the door? Really? It’s not like we had to get to work or school or anything. That scathing look my professor shot me when I walked into class 5 minutes late was totally worth your little “LOL!” to your boyfriend.

Feel free to add your own to the list…

February 23, 2007

Let’s Get Dirty

Posted in Karate Kid, Life, Love, Rants at 12:04 am by Faith

Many good blogs have begun with the fun pastime of ex-boyfriend bashing. Why should mine be any different? So… I have this ex-boyfriend (who we’ll call Karate Kid) Karate Kid and I dated for quite a while. Frankly, it was the longest relationship I have had in my life. I’m not even thirty yet, though, so that’s not really saying much.

But I digress. In my relationship with Karate Kid, I found that he had a LOT of baggage to tolerate: Psycho ex-fiancee, spoiled rotten child, trust and intimacy issues, the list could go on and on.. and on. And on. Anyway, patience ran thin, and Karate Kid decided to end things. Yeah, I know. I was the stupid one holding on to the threads of the relationship, hoping that I could use those tiny little threads to mend the big gaping hole that had devoured our relationship. (Give me some credit, here, guys, there WERE reasons that I was holding on so tight. Reasons that I’m not going into just yet. Maybe later, when they don’t sting as much.)

The breakup was supposed to be amicable. Like most of the other breakups I have had, however, it turned nasty FAST. I heard a barrage of complaints; I was selfish, manipulative, demanding, impossible to please. I was childish. I threw fits everytime things didn’t go my way. I didn’t know how to compromise. Or communicate. Or listen. I demanded he place me before his child. I never understood that he was a father first. Everything had to be a debate. The list could go on and on… and on. And on.

The worst part about all of this? I BELIEVED HIM. I was so entangled in the situation that I couldn’t see what I have been trained to spot: the facts. I was so wrapped up in guilt and grief that even my closest friends and family couldn’t point it out for me, even though it was right there in front of me. I’ve tried to take the moral high road with Karate Kid, for the sake of his child and because I like to believe that I am a decent person. I am TIRED of always taking the moral high ground. So, Karate Kid, I have a few things to say to you:

Selfish? Manipulative? Demanding? Is this WHY I picked your child up from school almost every day, took them to their Karate class, took them home, fed them dinner, bathed them, and put them to bed? FOUR nights a week? When the child wasn’t even MY child to begin with? While YOU were at your Karate class? You didn’t even get home before 9pm almost every night that we lived together. I spent more time with your child than YOU and the child’s mother COMBINED. That’s right, ME. But I’m selfish and demanding.

WHY am I so demanding? Because I asked you to come home at a reasonable hour to read with your child and to tuck them in good night? Am I demanding because I wanted to spend some time with my boyfriend, who would rather spend his time drinking beer with his Karate buddies? I’m manipulative because I cried over this a lot? You’re god-damned right I cried. I cried because I felt USED. I cried because I loved you and I wanted the relationship to work and no matter how hard I tried, you still found fault with me. I cried because I felt trapped, because I wanted to have a life like yours so bad. I wanted to go work out five nights a week, I wanted to spend time with my friends, I wanted EVERYTHING you had. Don’t you try to tell me how much you sacrifice in order ot be a “good father.” You are the WORST parent I have ever seen. YOU MAKE BRITNEY SPEARS LOOK LIKE MOTHER OF THE FUCKING YEAR. Your child is going to have so many issues that you’re going to make one lucky psychologist a LOT of money someday.

I’m selfish? This is why I bent over backwards to accommodate your schedule, why I loaned you money when you needed it… why I CARRIED YOUR SORRY ASS. Right. Because I’m selfish. Read those words again, Macho Man with your hotshot colored belt in Karate. I CARRIED YOU. I paid over half of the rent almost the entire time we were together. What’s wrong with this picture? What in the HELL are you spending your money on that you can’t even afford to pay the fucking rent? YOU made more money than I did… so why was I the one making all the sacrifices to ensure that we had a roof over our heads? Right. Because I was selfish and manipulative.

You are no catch, Karate Kid. You are far from it. I deserve so much more than you could ever be. You have big dreams of making something out of your life, but you always find a way to bitch about how your plans were sabotaged by someone… how your life got flushed down the toilet when you had a child. GROW UP. You call ME the victim, but who’s the one who has gone through the break-up and the time after it without getting drunk or stoned? Can you say the same, Karate Kid? Given that you were drunk the last two weeks of our relationship, I’m willing to bet my right leg that you can’t. YOU ARE WEAK. You are pathetic. And you are not worthy of someone like me.

I’m not saying that I’m this fantastic catch. Far from it. I have flaws. I have issues. I have annoying quirks. No one knows that better than me. But I also know that I have enough faith in myself to believe that I can find someone who will accept me for who I am and not try to change me into the puppet that they want. I have faith to believe that I will find someone who won’t try to break up with me everytime we have a disagreement. I have faith to believe that there is something better out there.

I DO deserve someone better than you, Karate Kid. Fuck you for making me think that it was okay to settle. It’s time for a clean slate. I have faith that things will get better; because without you in my life, things ARE getting better. Now I just need to rediscover the ambition I had before we were together in order to make it happen completely.

I’m Faith. Welcome aboard.